Thinking.

One of my biggest failures has always been that I am a perfectionist. It is something I never even realized until WLS support meeting. Jamie told me that a perfectionist sets unrealistic goals and then expects everyone else, including themselves to meet such an unrealistic list of demands. Mixing that with a fresh look at the Ministry of God's grace while studying John Calvin's view of Theology, it assisted...no...it GAVE me a fresh outlook on the ministry and on my own life. The entire 2007 year was spent anylizing myself to see what expectations were realistic or unrealistic. The church began to explode with spiritual growth. People began to come back to the church and there seemed to be a moving of the Spirit in our services. Bills were being paid, lives were being stregnthened. Relationships were being restored. People were coming to church with questions and sharing thier blessings that God gave them that week via blessings or devotions. There was an obvious Spirit of revival. All along, we knew that Satan was out there...working. We knew that the flesh was still being flesh. We knew that, and we warned each other of that. Halfway through the year, we had a key lady in the church make a really bad decision and caused her to step out of church. Depending on the financial aspect of life and not trusting God, they changed jobs and within DAYS of being out of routine, she committed adultery on her husband. The family fell apart, and the rebellion against God was manifested. No longer did they contact us. No longer did the family who was the most faithful to the services, concern themselves about thier own spiritual growth or the status of the many lives they influenced. The Ripple effect continued. STILL, I found God's Grace sufficient. But, something happened that month. The month they left, something changed, even with the evidence and promotion that God was giving through Grace and growth.Continuing on with that year, I began to minister and befriend the husband of the said lady. He had been incarcerated for several years but she had remained faithful to him. We shared letters and he'd call and we'd encourage each other in the faith. I became his Pastor. I became his ONLY outlet to the real world. God showed me the importance of faithfulness and fidelity, not only in the ministry but in my walk with God. The 2007 year ended and I kept in mind the lessons learned from that year. I was ready for 2008, or so I thought. The beginning of the year brought MORE tempest to our taxed church when some of our people passed away. One lady in particular, who was a dear sweet lady, a "grandma" to many in the church, passed away. The similarities of her death compared to my own mother's death 8 years before. I was able to minister to the family during her passing. Then, almost as if God was using this as a parable to me, the family fell apart. Sister turned against sister. Brother against Sister. Cousin against cousin. Son against mother, Mother against daughter. within 24 hours, my friend in prison ended his own life out of despair and desperation. It was a selfish thing to do, but I do understand his mindset. Despair and discouragement only lead to depression. Again, God blew my mind away with reassurance that His presence and grace assist a believer when they realize HIM. I had an opporotunity after 8 months to demonstrate God's love and compassion and forgiveness to the family of the deceased. Still, they rejected it. The "grieving" widow, while making funeral plans, chose to act on her carnal and sinful impulses with her boyfriend before my wife's eyes. Willful disobedience and purposeful abandonment to any sense of morality or decentcy, she shamed my wife and I while expecting us to "take it" because we were Christians. God showed me that day that GRACE was abused by MANY...even myself when I wilfully disobey because I JOHN 1:9 is "ALWAYS THERE". However, I began to ask God whether expecting that family to react differently was another unrealistic expectation? Ever since I was confronted with my faulty mindset, I found/find myself questioning the difference between unrealistic goals and VISION for the work of God here in Porter Corners. About 5 days from this instance, another church member's aunt passed away. Again, I found the opporotunity to demonstrate God's grace and love and compassion to the grieving family. Again, it seemed unheeded and almost "EXPECTED" of the church to "bend over backwards" for the family who would never darken the doors to the church and only slander the church with vicious attacks. Again, I saw grace being abused by those who claimed it as "amazing".About 4 days later, a man, whom the church had been working on restoring to fellowship after being disciplined for immorality, passed away due to his sinful lifestyle. Again, I was able to demonstrate God's love and compassion to the family. Again, we showed God's comfort and with a broken and weary heart I gave all that I could give to the family and offered myself for them. I don't regret doing so, but I do stand amazed at the blatent disrespect and disregard for God and his goodness. Never again did I see the family in church. Never since have I seen one of them even NEAR the services. When I attempt to reach out to them, they reject me...they reject God. 4 deaths and funerals in less than 3 weeks...it was actually close to 15 days that all this happened. Accompanied by my OWN personal struggle with the upcoming surgery, I found myself in a dismal abyss. I found myself weary, worn, spent, and exausted. Instead of depending on God's grace and strong arm to keep me in perfect peace, my mind and heart strayed. The very thing that I was astounded by with these other people and instances that I had experienced the previous weeks, I did.Out of shame and out of a broken heart, I confessed my failure and exaustion to a friend. We wept and cried and prayed out to God. God forgave me and comforted me with abounding grace and peace. Shortly after this, I had my operation. I remember an overwhelming sense of peace and joy that God gave me even when I was fighting for my life in ICU. God wasn't done with me in his work. 2 weeks after getting out of the hospital, the church had a fire. An electrical short in the attic set the church ablaze. We had an afternoon service that sunday and I was at another church that night. Within seconds of leaving the sister church's property I recieved the phone call from a distressed church member "Pastor, the building is on fire". I cried out to God while turning my car around to get help from someone to drive me home. "GOD, I can't deal with this...I can't do this anymore".My friend Mark drove me home and encouraged me as we traveled. God spoke to my heart again bringing up scriptures "when ya pass through the fire..I am there with you". I leaned on God again and found his grace all sufficient.2008 continued with even MORE personal attacks and ministry battles/trials/blessings and God continued to extend grace. God began to show me a different kind of grace though. I cannot really explain it, but it was grace in knowing "it was not in vain". But, going back to my thoughts of "perfectionism" I have come to the realization that without something to strive for, something attainable, there is no sense in serving. YES, we should strive to please God. YES we should strive to serve because he is Worthy. YES, for his honor. But, God also gives us something to look forward to. CROWNS. "well done thou Good and faithful servant". Even Paul said that he pressed toward the mark of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus. Even Paul desired to apprehend what he had not attained. He desired to KNOW HIM...and to be made conformable unto HIS death. And to have fellowship in Christ's Sufferings.A passionate desire is burning in me to have a dynamic walk with Christ. To Serve HIM. To Exalt and extol HIM. To Glorify HIM.I want people to have the same desire. I want people to fall in love with the things of God. I want for people to not be mindless drones but to be GROUNDED...to KNOW what they believe and WHY they believe it. I want people to intermeddle with Wisdom and knowledge of the Holy. Everything I do, I do it for that purpose. Is it an unrealistic expectation to want people to do this? The Bible says "where there is NO VISION...THE PEOPLE PERISH". I dont think I am better than other people. I am not. I am just as they are when I abandon and abuse the Grace of God. I am capable of failing even as they are. I am capable of doing exactly that today...tomorrow. But by the Grace of God go I.Unrealistic expectations vs FAITH.